My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
