so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
