Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
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i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
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Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.