when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
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I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."