she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
