If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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