Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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