dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
