I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
