I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
