I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
