oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
