He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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