i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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