bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize