His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
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i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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