Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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