Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My dick has a subreddit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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