peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
