I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
