My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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