btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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