last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
