He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
