so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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