I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
