I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
