just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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