My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
