Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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