we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
