im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
