I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
