Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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