Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
