I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
