i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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