My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
