you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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