Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
