Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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