y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
