feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
