My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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