1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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