fuck your aforementioned shoe
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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