i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
