Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
