Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
