it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
