I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
