You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Randomize
