I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
