Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
