I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize