I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
