my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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