i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have grass duct taped all over my body
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
