ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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