I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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