whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
