the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
