Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
